youre lurking in front of me
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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