I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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