i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
