This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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