Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
