I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
