dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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