The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
