i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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