i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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