it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
