she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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