i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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