I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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