Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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