I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize