this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
