when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
