I didn't shave. On purpose
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
