Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
