Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So squirting runs in the family.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
