yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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