that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
