I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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