i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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