this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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