Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
oh god the rape fog is back!
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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