She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
