Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
