You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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