Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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