I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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