I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
