I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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