I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
