If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
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