naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
