when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
