Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Who died my cat blue again?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
