So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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