Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
