Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
