i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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