Your face is a jimmy john
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
