RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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