I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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