i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
