Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
