Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
