i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize