I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
