I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
