wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Are we still banned from the library?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
